A Song

It strikes a chord in my heart. It is a sad song. Everytime I listen to it I think of what happen to my unborn second baby.

I share his grieves and regrets.

Anyway, just something to share with.

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Artist: Flipsyde
Album: Happy Birthday 12"
Title: Happy Birthday


[Verse 1]
Please accept my apologies, wonder what would have been
would you have been a little angel? or an angel of sin?
tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys?
or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes?
paid for the murder befor they had determined the sex
choosing our life over your life meant your death
and you never got a chance to even open your eyes
sometimes I wonder as a fetus if you fought for your life?
Would you have been a little genius, in love with math?
Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?
would you have been a little rapper like your poppa the piper?
would you have made me quit smoking by finding one of my lighters?
I wonder about your skintone and shape of your nose
and the way you would have laughed and talked fast or slow
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would have been

[Chorus x 2]
Happy birthday
What I thought was a dream
make a wish
was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake

[Verse 2]
I got a million excuses, as to why you died
and other people got their own reasons for homocide
who's to say it would have worked
and who's to say it wouldn't have
I was young and struggling, but old enough to be a dad
the fear of being my father has never disappeared
I ponder it frequently while I'm sipping on my beer
my vision of a family was artificial and fake
so when it came time to create I made a mistake
now you got a little brother, maybe it's really you
maybe you really forgave us knowing we was confused
maybe, every time that he smiles
it's you proudly knowing that your father is doing the right thing now
I never tell a woman what to do with her body
but if she don't love children then we can't party
I think about it every year so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would have been

[Chorus x 2]
Happy birthday
What I thought was a dream
make a wish
was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake

[repeat x2]
from the heavens to the womb
to the heavens again
from the ending to the ending
never got to begin
maybe one day we can meet face to face
in a place without time and space
happy birthday

[Chorus x 2]
Happy birthday
What I thought was a dream
make a wish
was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake

Last day

After today I will be working in one of the American MNCs, Penang. It is not the best job but for the sake of paying bills and debts, I think I have to do it. Some commented that it was like riding a donkey and at the same time looking for a horse(ok lah you Brit. It means just take it as a stepping stone to get a better one). I don't want to say anything because he ain't me. Just say a mistake is done, and I am facing the consequence of the mistake I made 10 years ago right now.

I am not given up yet. Once I pull myself out of this shit hole I am going to do it again. Although I despise business world, well Chinaman business world in particular , I think this should be the way to provide them a comfortable life.

Becoming a successful Aerospace Engineer? Next life maybe!

The decision

Finally I took the courage to tell them that I would be going back to the corporate world. It was an awkward silence when I broke the news. I could see the disappointment in their eyes. But I have to do something about my financial problem. I simply can't open my mouth to ask them for money, consider that I had been on my own for quite some time.
It is also a shock for me that I am still being black listed by bank. I think the first I am gonna do now is to get myself out of this. Without being delisted I will not be able to go anywhere.
Still no news from Adaptive. It looks like I have no choice but to report to work at Jabil next week.
It's nothing to celebrate, and it is nothing to be proud of. So I don't expect to see anymore congratulate this or that shit again ok?

By the way, I received an enquiry from Ungku again. I am going to proceed with this project in parallel to me working in Jabil.

The Job

After so much of hassle I finally got hold of my employment letter from Jabil and will submit it later today. I haven't told the old folks yet. Long hair was quite happy when she heard that I got it on Friday. Well, I have to do something for her and little David. I think I am going to tell them tomorrow. I will have to brace for the storm when they hear what am I going to say.
The feeling is mixed. I feel relieved because for the coming time I don't have to worry about paying bills and also about to pay my debts to my friends and siblings. This is my last last chance to get a corporate job. If I decide to leave again few months or years down the line, I am not going to be able to go back again. But I also feel miserable for leaving the business. I think I have to do something to get myself out of this shit hole. If I come back in future, there will be not family members running the business. I am gonna be on my own. I have seen it. It doesn't work. Too much sentiments thrown in. I decided to keep quiet in the last two years, not involved and focus myself in getting a job instead because I realized that they cannot accept my corporate approach, and also I didn't have a team to work with me(I didn't pay their salary so why should they listen to me?).
Anyway, I'll see how it goes. The offer is not the one I want. I don't want to talk about it again. It is my greatest regret. I'll make sure that little David will not repeat the mistake I made 10 years ago!
Oh the flower, it's kangkong or water convolvulus. Look like morning glory, ain't it? Actually they are closely related!

Employment letter

It doesn't look good. Although Jabil called to tell me that I was was offered to work for them last week. I have been making few attempts to collect my employment contract without any success. I think it is because of me not agreeing to start work immediately(they wanted me to start right away and bonded me for couple of years if they need to pay penalty for my dismissal without any notice).

Why didn't they tell me straight away that they didn't like it, and they would look for others? I think I am going to call my friend to tell him my predicament.

I also called Adaptive two days to find out if they had decided. They told me they had not. I think I should take that answer as no.

Oh well, there is a big possibility that my search for job is back to the square one again!

"You're Hired!"

It's quite ironic. After I have tried so hard to get myself a corporate job, and when it finally comes I became heistated to accept it! It happened so quick. It was only one day after I went for an interview, and they called me up to see if I were interesed. Though it is not the one I am really looking for, at least the salary I will get helps me to resolve the financial problem that I am facing. I have so many debts to settle, and I really need it to pay them.
The offered salary is only RM500 more than what I got from Solectron. But like I say, it should be a relief. I have not answered them yet since they wanted me to report to work right away and offer to pay for any penalty that the presence job may incur(of course, I will be bonded for certain period of time if they do). I don't like to be bonded so I ask them to give me one week to think about it. Adaptive Micro System has not called back. I prefer to go to that job since I can be my own boss.
The loved one was quite happy when she heard about it although the amount was not what she had in mind. I wasn't happy with that too since if I stay with Solectron I would be getting close to 6k a month now(assume that I don't get promotions).
Anyway, current issue now is how to tell the old folks about that. I don't think they know about it. Anyhow, I still have four more days to tell them. Let's see what happen. By hook or by crooks they have to know anyway. Their response is gonna be drastic, that's for sure.
Happy to be back to the corporate world finally? I don't know. I really don't know!